Crash
Oh he wasn't going over the speed limit, I know that. I know because I looked at the speedometer only minutes before it happened. What's that? Yes, the speed. No, definitely not over 30. I can't stand those men who drive like the clappers. Especially in built-up areas. Puts my nerves right on edge it does. Right on edge.

Brown. Dark chocolate brown. I know that because when he came to pick me up I thought it was the same colour as a bag of Galaxy Minstrels! Fancy! I love chocolate I do. He didn't bring me chocolates, or flowers, for that matter. I suppose people don't these days, do they? Oh there was a time I'd never have set off on a date without at least a single stem first. But you can't be that picky these days. I don't want to end up having to use the computer to find someone. Oh that'd be the last straw.

His observation? Oh, absolutely fine. Nothing wrong with his eyesight. He could see all the way up the backside of some young one in hotpants who was trotting up and down on the pavement. Of course he said he was checking out some new model of lawnmower on the grass next door to that woman, but I wasn't born yesterday. No, I was born quite a while ago, although you'd never know it – Pond's cold cream, my grandmother swore by it – and I really don't have time to be messing about with men who have a wandering eye. That's why I won't be going out with him again. We had a perfectly pleasant evening but you know, there was no spark. No, nothing at all.

To be honest I think there might have been something wrong with that little boy to begin with. I mean, he literally came out of nowhere. He was lucky he was on a tricycle, and one of those with fat tyres at that, otherwise he could have seriously injured himself. I mean parents these days are useless, they teach them nothing. You can't just scoot out into the middle of the road even if it is to go over to your neighbours. A road is a road, even if it does go through a housing estate. It's these long evenings, they're out until all hours just because it's bright. What about the Safe Cross Code? I got a badge for knowing mine. I was a class monitor – gave out little badges to all my classmates. Mind you they'd throw it back in your face nowadays. My niece is a teacher, her nerves are shot.

Was there anything else? My phone number? Well I can give you that I suppose, but don't go leaving it lying around for any common criminal to pick up, I don't want that funny phonecall business to start up again. Heavens no, that nearly did me right in.

***

I wasn't going over the limit. No way, absolutely not. I've only just paid off the last fine, I don't want to be caught up in that racket again. I've got bills to pay. Bloody cameras are everywhere. I suppose the chap that came up with that idea is rolling in it now, while we all pay for his fancy holidays. I could've thought of that, if I'd had the time. Too busy working to pay off the alimony. That's a terrible thing that is, I don't know how you can be involved in it, that's another racket. What? Not your department? Well it's all 'law and order' isn't it? Or Law and Disorder as my mother used to call it. She's dead now of course, a bus ran over her on a bingo outing. Sure you couldn't have luck these days.

Navy blue. I picked it up from the rental place about an hour before I picked up that woman. Well come to think of it maybe the speedo wasn't working right, you can never tell with these hire cars can you? Wouldn’t that be mittenating circowotsits then? Did anyone ever tell you love you look that woman off CSI? What? Oh right. Sorry.

I think maybe the speedo was faulty. It's always hard to see these things in the dark as well, especially when it's not your car. Pardon? Oh it's in the shop. Had a prang a few weeks back and the cowboys have had it ever since. I could hardly pick up a date on a bicycle now, could I? Hahahahahaha! Her name's not Daisy! Er…I can't remember actually. It must be the shock. I think it might be Margaret. She looks like a Margaret. In The Cromley Herald. There's a section on Wednesdays, so you can get set up for the weekend like. They print an awful lot of lies in there though to be honest. I mean, she's no 'Grace Kelly with a dash of Bardot'. More like Pauline Fowler with a dose of PMS. Hahahahahaha! What? Oh yes.

Well what parent in their right mind would give a child a BMX like that? It's only asking for trouble. He literally threw himself at the car. If it hadn't had ABS he'd have been a goner for sure. He just waited until we were drawing near and then off he set, pulling a wheelie for good measure. I didn't even think you could get BMXs anymore, I thought they went out with the Ark. No, it was definitely his fault. Definitely.

***

60 I said, I already told you that. 60 miles an hour. Imagine driving that fast on an estate? 60 at the very least, although come to think of it, it might have been 70. I can't keep up with the whatnots those types of fellas have on cars these days. Spoilers is it? It was very loud anyway, and very fast. Much too fast. I was only saying the other day to Mrs Neal that I felt like lying down in the road myself and protesting against it. Or tacks! Hundreds and thousands of tacks all over the road would put a stop to it, wouldn't it? And you can get them for half-nothing down the hardware store. Sure they say you can even buy the ingredients for making a bomb on the high street. Pardon? No, of course he didn't skid on a tack. I didn't put them there, I only said I was thinking of it. What? Why would you want to look in my garage? Well maybe later when we've convicted this drunken killer. Sorry? Well, I'm sure he was drunk, I'm sure of it, they always are. And he was walking funny when he got out of the car. And I'm surprised he even did that to be honest with you, hit and run is the preferred option for these criminals.

Pardon? Oh black. Black as coal and came careening around the corner at a hundred miles an hour! And you know that chap driving it was on his mobile phone, screeching away, yakkety yakkety yak. He drove over that child deliberately, anyone could see that. Sorry? Oh, I see what you mean. Well hit him, hit him deliberately then. His body just flew up in the air. He's lucky he's alive. My Kenneth wasn't so lucky. That's why I'm head of the Neighbourhood Safety Committee you see. There were some that didn't want me on it at all, but in fact I am very important because I know about these things. I am committed to this Committee. I don't just stand around drinking cups of tea and promising to do things you know. I write letters. I go to the Council. I form sub-committees. Not everyone would be that dedicated.

I couldn't tell you whether he was looking around or not. He just came upon us in a flash, a bang, and next thing you know that boy is lying in the road. What's that? Yes, it's my vehicle. Pardon? It's not on a bend, it's outside my house. Oh. Oh really? I see. Well, that's not the issue at hand here now, is it? Anyway, how could he not see and it broad daylight!

No, the child wasn't going that fast actually, you mustn't think that he was just because he was on a racer. It doesn't always follow, you shouldn’t jump to conclusions. What? Of course he could see. Well, no, I don't think his head was bent down. A helmet? Is that a trick question? I won't answer it. I'm sure he looked before pulling out, he must have done. The people who live around here are decent people. They know about things like that. CHILD ABUSE!! That's what it is, to let dangerous drivers off with these crimes! Killing innocent children, driving over them like hedgehogs. Yes, yes I know the boy's not dead, but my Kenneth is, and you can talk about humps in the road till the cows come home but it won't bring him back, will it? Who is your superior? I don't like your attitude very much. I'm going to write a letter about it. Right now this very minute, yes I'm going to write it now.

Sorry? No. No you can't have my phone number, you can look it up on one of your spy programmes if you need it that badly. You'll be hearing from me though, you can rest assured of that.

*****

Well, I dunno man. About as fast as my cousin Danny goes in the Porsche, yeah for sure. It's yellow, he calls it the Canary. I love that car. I can't wait till I'm 17, woohoo! Aw sweet, it's the Dukes of Hazard. You seen that one? That Jessica Simpson - alright! Do you think you could back up a bit man, I can't see the screen too good. Switch it off? Oh. Okay I guess. Shoot, there goes that Doctor dude. He just gave me some hardcore meds. I can't feel my toes. Maybe that's a good thing though, that pain was way much. But you know what, now the toenails are turning black. That's awesome. Damn, I totally need to use my cellphone right now, I need to order a new t-shirt. This like, nurse chick, just totally ripped my shirt off when I came in. And it's not like there was that much blood on it or anything. Do you think I could sue for that? That's gotta be a violation of my human rights. Gotta be. That asshat can stump for a new t-shirt! I mean, maybe I wanted a bloodstained t-shirt. That's my right isn't it? My t-shirt, my blood, what's up with denying me that, huh? What's that, my ribs? Yeah, yeah I guess so. I still think she should pay up though.

Let's see… mmmm… I dunno. Green? Yeah, green. It just blended in with the trees, yeah? Yeah, it totally blended in with all the vegetation and shit, and I really did not see that guy coming. What now? Sure, I looked. Probably. Yeah yeah yeah I looked for sure, cos I was totally turning my head in time to my tunes, the player like lights up in the dark. Yeah, definitely – looked but did not see. Damn he must have got some speed on that car. What's he drive? Ha ha ha ha ha, no way dude, not at that speed. Hey is like a green-coloured car supposed to like, help the environment? Cos that is way off base man, if everyone drives a car that looks like a tree, there is gonna be some pile up. It's not? I'm sorry, what were you asking me?

Did he see me? Jeez how should I know? But I mean, duh, he ran over me. So no, I don't think he did. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you where his eyes were, dude was wearing some fancy shades. They were totally gay. It's what? Oh you are? Hey that totally explains the Jessica thing ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What's that? Oh. Sorry man, no offence.

Safety features? Damn, what does that even mean? It has um, brakes. And, you know, changes of gear. And I think there are lights and shit on there. But I totally do not have one of those stupid bungee cords over the back, they are so g… I don't like them. You know what, are we done here? Because I totally have to IM everyone about this.